It’s Sunday night, and I’m sitting here feeling lots of things, and not even knowing how to write them down…which is not normal for me. Usually writing flows freely from my fingertips, the contents of my brain spilling on the paper (or computer screen) nearly effortlessly. But sometimes…sometimes my brain gets too cluttered, too full of distractions, self-doubt, and frustrations, and I have a hard time even figuring out how to put into words what I’m feeling.
Tonight, I’m feeling doubt. Insecurity. Exhaustion.
Running a small business is hard. I keep finding myself feeling jealous of people who had easier circumstances when they started their own business. Maybe they were married, so their spouse could support them while they dedicated all their time to the intricasies of small business. Or maybe they waited until later in life to start their business, so they had money saved up to spend up front on what they needed.
But that’s not my life. I am single. I live alone (well, not counting little Lexie). I pay all my own bills, and I work a full-time job. Photography is a part-time passion and a full-time dream…a dream I don’t have the luxury of time or money to pursue as fully as I wish I could.
So I hit points of frustration, where I feel like I’m spinning my wheels, spending every free moment pursuing something that seems so far out of reach. It’s easy to forget why I am chasing this dream when the business-y details get in the way and clutter up my mind.
But then…then something will always make me stop and breathe, slow down and remember why I’m going after this crazy thing. Beautiful moments like the one tonight make me catch my breath and just smile. The clouds were glowing with the last rays of sun, and I froze the moment in time.
This is why.
This is why I cry, why I wait, why I dream. Because someday, beautiful moments will be my life.